it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
