I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
