trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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