Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
