clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
