So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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