my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
