I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
