I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
