I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
