Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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