It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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