If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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