Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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