Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
