Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
