I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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