Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
