she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
