I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
