I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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