I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
