Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
