Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
