Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
