Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
