i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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