Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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