splinters make it hard to masturbate
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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