do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
