Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
