Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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