my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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