i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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