So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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