i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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