WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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