But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
