if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
