If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
