I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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