so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
