I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
