i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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