Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
