Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
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The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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