OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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