Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
