all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize