Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
