please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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