Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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