Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
