you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
