Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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