Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
