did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
