am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
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Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
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Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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