I haven't been this sober since birth.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
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I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
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sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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