I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
